Quelle Challenge Roth Teil zwei Die Folge

Rick the Clydesdale has graciously offered to convert this report into a screenplay. Nick Cage keeps calling wanting to do something based on my life. He (Nick not Rick) tells people he looks like me all the time.

Ok race fans. When we left off ! was just coming out of the water. Matt was the only one in my wave so he was probably getting on his bike by now. Up the ramp a bit and a left turn for a 100 yard dash to the changing tent. All the T1 bags were lain out in 4 rows by number. Mine was in the very first batch so ! knew would need to take my time wobbling out of the canal to get my sleeves off before ! got my bag. ! had, somewhat optimistically, made sure to put the drawstring on top of the bag so ! could have something to grab onto as ! sprinted by. ! wasn’t quite up to sprint pace when ! got there but ! did pass a guy on route to the tent. ! threw my stuff on the table and sat down to finish peeling. A volunteer came over to assist. Surprisingly Melissa was not hanging out in the tent. She seems to have an affinity for naked men. ! had all my gear out. First step, turn on the Garmin. It sprung to life and found satellites instantly. One worry down. The volunteer brought me wasser to wash down ibuprofen and Imodium. ! sorted through the stuff ! wanted and didn’t want. Arm warmers had been recommended so ! had them. ! was pretty sure ! wouldn’t need them even if it had been the coldest ! had felt the entire week there. Set them aside. Grabbed my socks and ran out.

The bikes were parked in a field and it was damp from all the rain. ! was parked closest to one of the exits so ! strapped on my helmet and ran to the pavement, laid my bike down and put my socks on. Shoes were already clipped in and the first few yards were flat. ! was in my shoes before ! got to the highway. The first turn put us on a nice descent then into the S’s. A few well patched potholes. ! took it a little easy after being horizontal in the water. ! didn’t want to get horizontal in someone’s yard. Next up was the Bier mile. A little village. All the streets were lined with tables and the locals were having bier and yelling. Every village had 2 or 3 corners. Kind of like a criterium. ! was concerned on the drive that the mobs would make the tight corners sketchy. Turns out there was no one from Moonlight Classic hammering through with me. ! had to yell “linke” (left) a few times, but mostly the apexes were clear. Did ! mention the crowds went wild? Come through towns fast and they go wild. Especially if you are passing. They were lined up on the curbs. The kids would stick their hands out and ! would slap them as ! went by.

First aid station was at the edge of town and bottles of “eeesso” were there for the taking. Just past that was special needs. ! didn’t see anyone and didn’t need anything so ! just kept going. There were little towns like that every 5-10k. Also people would come out in the “suburbs” and on the climbs to cheer. The climbs were steep but short. Most of them had an announcer and 80s music blasting. Mix that with screaming fans and you have a recipe for wheelies. ! did the best ! could. They loved it. In some places kids would hold their hands out on the left side of the road. If you dive across the road just to high five some kids the crowds went wild. Especially if you accelerated to do it. ! couldn’t talk to the other guys around me since they all had funny sounding names and spoke some foreign language. That and they didn’t have the lungs to talk at the pace ! was going. One of those guys kept leap frogging me. He could climb better, but couldn’t get up to my cruising speed. His name was Axel. Axel had a scraggly beard and an ancient steel road bike with toe clips. ! finally dropped him.

By now we had settled into a rhythm and knew who was going at the same pace. ! was attacking pretty hard through the towns and on the climbs so backing off to recover was necessary. At one point ! was just getting to breathing normal again. There were 5 or 6 of our group strung out in front of me. Another guy came up behind me, said “you are fast. Don’t slow down” in broken English and pushed my butt. That was fortuitous. ! was up out of the saddle, gripping the cow horns and hammering. Just as ! was passing the front guy of our gang ! hit another hamlet. ! was really haulin’ ass and once again the crowds went wild. ! didn’t even hurt at that pace. Most of the first half of each lap was into the wind. Which meant the back half would be tail winds. Just the opposite of what ! had been expecting. We were out into a fairly long exposed segment so ! just stayed down and pushed. The fans were thin out here in the farm land. No one to blow kisses to. Grind, grind, grind and there is the sign.

The sign that ! had feared. GREDING!!!! Greding was a climb. Up 100 meters in just 3k then it got easy. Another 50 meters of elevation over the next 2k. Our turn off the main road was sharp and a slight grade to lose momentum. Then another hard left to get rid of the rest. And the road just turned up. It curved a couple times so you couldn’t see the summit. ! dropped down to my granny gear and just let the climbers go by. A few wheelies and then some more when ! got in sight of the announcer. ! wasn’t really losing much time to the fast guys. Several would go by. ! kept my pace steady and spun as easy as ! could in 42x23. Finally grinding over the top a little descent and mostly flat. About the time ! recovered there was another sharp little bump and a family standing by to cheer. ! had to attack. ! felt great and just blasted over the bump. It was downhill from there. Slight, but still. .. ! saw no reason to scrub off the speed ! had gained on that attack so ! just picked up my cruising speed.

Another fortuitous event. Cruising fast on the long open straight the marshal came alongside. The guy who had just struggled past me must have been drafting for a while. They had a chat. He slowed down and ! passed him back ! had to cut between him and the motor to pass on his left. Not long after a truck came by with a clock on the back. It was about 4 hours. ! was really confused. ! figured it was race time and ! should subtract 1:05 from it to get my time. ! was still confused. Then another motor came by. And then some dude passed going a bit faster than me with 2 guys chasing him. The front guy’s ass said Macca and he had 50 yards on me now. ! wasn’t too impressed with his speed so ! jumped on just as we started into the technical descent. ! looked at my mileage. There were some back markers to deal with. Linke, linke. Enter the corners wide, hit those apexes, exit wide and set up for the next. Macca was still only 50 yards ahead. ! started cranking out of the corners. ! thought for a moment That ! might be able to catch him. He’s really good though. ! couldn’t close that 50 yards for 5k. Then we started up hill and off they went. 5k with Macca on his way to his 4th straight win. He must have been running scared knowing ! was back there.

Back into the open. It was hot and a false flat. ! hadn’t really had anyone to talk to. They all had funny names. There were a lot of foreigners out there. Like Jose’. He was riding an Orbea. Obviously he was from Spain and expecting to get rained on out on the plains. No. He was French. We had a ways to go before Solarer Berg hill. ! was coming up a little climb and saw one of the white Roth jerseys that everyone with TTE had. Except for me. ! wasn’t sure who it was. He wasn’t nearly wide enough to be Tanner. Tanner would have had to have blown up spectacularly to be there anyway. ! read the name. Darin. Still ! had no idea who it was. ! pulled up next to him. It was Tinger. ! had to see the scruff to recognize him. My brain wasn’t working so well. ! was doing all my thinking with my legs. We chatted for a bit and off ! went.

Looks like a town up ahead. Oh it’s Hilpoltstein. Solarer Berg hill. The fans were thick. There was a narrow line up the middle. Some guy jumped in front of me and slowed way down. ! couldn’t get by and now ! was taking it easy. A chance to look around at the girls. Oooo la la. One in a bikini top. ! looked at her and put my finger on my cheek. She planted one right there. ! was tingling more that if ! had touched Jeff Carroll. Over the top and we were heading back past the schwimmen venue to start lap two. ! was building speed and into the bier mile on the gas. The fans, once again, went nuts. Cheering and pounding their steins on the tables. ! knew Christine and everyone in special needs would know ! was on my way. Wave and blow kisses to the fans. Hop the train tracks. Grab more eeeso. Schnell, schnell. Let’s do it all again.

The mobs were still out. 10 or 15 miles into ronde 2 ! saw the fairy ahead. ! was hoping to sneak up on her and swat her butt, but a truck decided to stop right behind her as she entered a section with a median. ! just yelled over at her and rode on. ! was hearing strange noises and feeling some drag whenever ! stood up to hammer. At mile 75 ! pulled over to see what was amiss. My disk was having issues. It would easily wobble from brake pad to pad. This is not good. Just a few miles to Greding again and ! was going to have to stay in the saddle all the way up. There was a Mavic support van past the steep section so ! was hoping ! could get it fixed or a trade. ! sure wasn’t going to quit unless it just collapsed on me. Mavic does wheel support in le Tour and other big races. They don’t speak so good the English. By the time ! got to them ! had convinced myself the axle was broken. The skewer was holding it together. Still 35 miles on that wasn’t something ! had fantasized about. They agreed it was not in good shape and advised me to stay seated to the finish. ! asked for a trade. They looked but only had 650 rears. ! was SOL. They did give me a push to get going again. Soon ! was over the top and rolling the flats. Every motor that came by ! asked about the Mavic motor. No info.

Nothing broke any worse. There’s the turn into T2 and there was the chick that kissed me on Solarer Berg hill. She acted like she didn’t even know me. After that magic moment ! thought we had something special. Feet out of the shoes and coasting in. There were volunteers to catch bikes. ! dismounted and sent her rolling into the arms of a teenager and ran for the tent. Bike time 5:57:21 including the stops. 19 mph avg.

There were T2 bags to sort through. ! found a spot on a bench and peeled off my shorts. ! had peed big time in them twice and didn’t want to run in them now. One of the volunteer gals asked if ! needed any sunscreen. Take that kissy chick. ! put on my running shorts, changed socks, new shoes, hat and shades. Off ! went. Oh wait. Trail mix. !’ll go back for a snack. Now off ! went.

My plan was to walk the aid stations and run the rest as far as ! could. They seemed to be spaced every kilometer. My feet were swelling when ! ran. When ! walked the aid stations they started to feel swell again. We were in the woods about 2k out when ! saw the lead girl go by. Then Belinda Grainger. About 4k we got to the landing. At that point the course split into two out and back loops about 10 miles each. That was the only place they had outhouses and ! had a full bladder. One was open so ! ran in. The lock wouldn’t engage so ! closed it as best ! could and hoped no one would try to come in. It was the one on the end and the corner was not supported. It rocked when ! shifted my weight. So ! rocked it. Clearly it was not available. The fans went wild. This is Christine’s favorite story from the whole race. Out ! came. Cheers all around.

Onto the canal trail for miles and miles. The swelling wasn’t subsiding when ! walked the aid stations anymore. It felt like my shoes were about to burst. And there was Katrin. On her way back. Calculations indicated she was about 7 miles ahead of me. Susan was up next. Looking strong. Then came Matt and Tinger. Somewhere along that trail ! discovered the gesture to whip up the fans. Off the trail into a little village. The aid station had an announcer and 80s music. Yeah, yeah. It was good stuff too. ! had to dance. We looped through town and headed back out. There was Melissa the fairy again. She swatted me on the ass with her wand. ! ran on.

Back onto the trail ! saw the crazy Cajuns. Mark and Smitty. Smitty is quite a character. The best way to describe him is half of Denny. Half his size and half as mature. He makes up for it with drinking super powers as Macca would find out Monday night. According to Tanner, Smitty just about out drank the whole bar. Macca was concerned and probably was really hung over Tuesday. Macca called Smitty’s girlfriend back in Louisiana to tell her Smitty was crazy. !’m sure she knew already.

About mile ten ! stopped at an aid station and saw what ! thought was a bier bottle. ! was correct and asked for a cup. Mmmmmmm. Now my feet were really in pain. ! was walking more than just aid stations. ! tried to run when the fans were about. ! had to get them frenzied. Finally the landing again. ! was about half way.! Started out the canal trail the other way. Susan was still running into the aid station coming back. She had 4k to go. ! had 20k to go. Katrin was well ahead. On and on ! went. We turned into another hamlet and back tracked. More 80s hits. More dancing. Matt was looking strong. Tinger was still moving. ! told him Susan had just finished. ! was probably close to right. More dancing. They played We are the Champions. ! started to sing then realized the embassy probably wouldn’t help me so ! stopped.

! was walking a lot now. A turnaround and it’s slightly downhill. Much better. More dancing. The crowds went wild. Back to the trail. Three Germans came up while ! was walking. They would have none of that. They wanted to pace the superstar in. They were fans. ! ran. The strong one sprinted ahead and started running backwards with his camera. He nearly flattened another guy walking. ! stayed with them as far as ! could then sent them on. ! really should have trained for this. My calf was starting to feel a little tight. So were Kristin from Chicago’s. ! went back and forth with her and chatted. ! was running faster, but not as far as her. ! got through the aid station on the landing. 4k to go. Around the corner ! found 6 fans. ! instructed them to cheer for Kristin. They did. On we went. ! passed a guy who told me it was 8 o’clock. That was an hour earlier than ! thought it was. ! was going to hit about 13 hours. Through the woods and back onto the road. It was close. ! couldn’t tell where.

! could see about 100 meters ahead. No real indications that it was nearly over. The fans were thickening. There was a mat. ! sprinted. More to go. An arch over the entrance to the stadium. ! sprinted. More to go. The bleachers were full. Just to the other end. ! worked the crowd all the way to the end. Where is that carpet going? Across the stadium. Ok. Just a bit more. ! can do that. There’s a jumbotron. The carpet turned again. Crap. One more length of the stadium. Work the crowds. Ziel. Finally. A medal. A bier. Time to take a shower. 13:02:14

It was 8:30 when ! finished. It was a long time after that that it got dark. It did that every night. ! think those people on the Western Slope put mountains up so they could steal our sunlight. Let’s get ‘em. Brat and bier. We watched the fireworks. Time to go retrieve my bike and junk. Then back to the bed for sleep. That was a long hard day.

Monday morn ! was glad ! was on the 2nd floor instead of the 3rd. ! was planning ahead for stair excursions. Today is haircut day. The place across the street was closed. Katrin said she had seen a place nearby. She offered to walk me over there. The stylist didn’t speak English. Her and Katrin chatted in German at length about how cute ! am. We picked a style and off she went. ! feel much less hairy now.

Tuesday was travel day for most of us. Katrin had left for Greece with her sister. Susan and Tinger were on their way to Croatia. Matt and Andrew had gone to the early flight. That left me, Melissa and the crazy Cajuns. Smitty was still smashed. He spent the whole ride leaning on Melissa telling her how soft and warm she was. Mark kept recounting how he went to the shower and found Smitty sitting in the bathroom naked. Melissa listened intently to both of them. ! beat my luggage home.






Das Ende

Thanks to Matt for the photos.